My great aunt Elaine, who's 91 years old:
"You want to know what kind of name 'Neva' is? Well, she was from Iowa."
"My uncle Dallas always called me on my birthday and sang a song he wrote for me: 'Dear Elaine Eudora, don't spit on the floor-a, but in the cuspidor-a, because that's what it's for-a.'"
"Let me tell you about the dumb-ass thing I did the other day when I was refilling my wiper fluid."
I'm (allegedly) descended from Eleanor of Aquitaine Please ignore the fact that about 8% of the world's population can also say that.
I had a relative in every major American military conflict. Again, please pretend that's cooler than it really is.
My great great grandmother, Ellen, hated her name so much she named her own daughter Helen.
My second cousin hangs out with Harrison Ford and Richard Branson. Richard Branson wanted him to co-pilot his first commercial space outing. Richard Branson got a NO to that offer.
Green skittles are no longer flavored lime, but green apple. WTF, skittles? END OF THE WORLD. I need to hold a funeral for my dearly-departed, very favorite, cavity-inducing lime skittle.
There's a website, popealarm.com, that will sound an alarm when the new pope is elected, so you can find out righthtisinstant.
Also, my new favorite psuedo-swear is "swan in a ditch!" And if anyone wants to hoard any remaining bags of skittles with lime ones for me as a gesture of their love and devotion, I would not be opposed to it.