Tuesday, June 10, 2014

All By Myseeeellllffffffff


...don't wanna be, all by myseeeellllfff.

If you know me at all, you know I don't like living alone. In fact, if we've spoken in the last year, you've probably had the privilege of hearing me complain about it ad nauseum. Lucky you.

Really, though, I hate it.

So here's a list of the great things I can do because I live alone, in the hopes that it might just force me to be a little bit more positive about this garbage-dump of a situation. (Name that movie!)

Because I live alone, I can...

...make dinner for myself at 10pm because I forgot to eat!

...leave my dishes on the stove to do in the morning!

...verbally abuse last-night-Mary for being a lazy slob and leaving nasty overnight dishes to do when I wake up!

...binge-read six books in one weekend because I have no social life! (Megan was out of town. Megan = social life.)

...binge-watch TV shows and only get off the couch when I need to pee or run out of food!

...spend countless hours zoned out on the internet looking at pictures of cats! (or taking a quiz to determine my patronus! or learning 1920s slang!)

...take four hour naps because no one's there to shame you awake! (After five years of living with a much more responsible roommate and BFF, I forgot how to respond to an alarm clock. Whoops.)

...record my Dad yelling at me to get out of bed to be the most obnoxious (but effective) alarm ever!

...not do dishes for a week!

...not mop my floors for a month!

...not fold my laundry for a year! (ok, that one's a bit of an exaggeration.)

...bake homemade bread and eat a whole loaf in one sitting!

...use up all the hot water in the deposit!

...make cookie dough and never bake it but slowly eat it over the course of a week, salmonella be damned!

...sing Disney princess songs in my best faux-opera voice without bothering anyone (except the neighbors)!

...sing Disney prince songs in my best faux-man voice without bothering anyone (except definitely the neighbors, who I'm sure wonder what on God's green earth is going on in my apartment most of the time)!

...start a million projects and never finish them!

(Like this post, which I thought I finished last week. But didn't. So I'm finally posting it now. #parforthecourse)


3 comments:

  1. Nice description!! Hahaha! So much truth!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your blog is bookmarked, Mary. I absolutely adore this post! I can do many, but not all, of those things while living with my husband. But I get the singing aloud, for I love to sing, but cannot sing on key.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm slapping myself for not skyping you. this was also a hilarious post, i cried. and I'm drinking wine. love you to pieces!

    ReplyDelete